Boris
by RedXRover
Summary: Ludwig comes home to a surprise. RusGer ficlit fluff.


RusGer. Ludwig comes home to find that Ivan has a surprise for him. It's not sex so don't get your hopes up. Ficlit.

* * *

. . .

When Ludwig opened the door the last thing he expected to see was exactly what he saw.

The first thing he registered was a hulking wall of white fur, blocking the doorway to the kitchen. The second thing-he heard grunting as the mass turned. The giant had suddenly sprouted legs and as it moved towards Ludwig, who was rooted in the frame of the front door, it had grown a face as well. Shiny black eyes locked onto the frozen German. Ludwig dropped his groceries.

It was a bear.

A fucking polar bear.

The bear lift a great paw and started a slow stalk towards him. Its muzzle thrust into the air, black nose sniffing. By this time Ludwig was fairly certain he was shaking in his polished dress shoes.

A low growl and the bear stood up before slamming its front legs down on the hardwood. This flinched Ludwig into action as the bear charged.

The German swiftly grabbed the doorknob and shut himself out of the house, fleeing the front porch.

A dull thud and the heavy door shook, followed by a muffled shout.

Ludwig watched the door with a heaving chest, heart pumping adrenaline through his veins.

A few moments later, the door opened and a sheepish Ivan appeared.

"I guess you met Boris."

The German stared, mute.

"Come on. He won't hurt you." Ivan disappeared into the house again.

. . .

"There is not a goddamn polar bear sitting in my kitchen." Ludwig said flatly-staring at the goddamned polar bear in his kitchen. His mind was thinking all sorts of rational thoughts, like how disgusting it was to have a wild animal in his home. His kitchen no less. It was the third time he'd said this, as if saying so would magically make the beast disappear from his sight.

It didn't.

"He's standing." Ivan pointed out matter-of-factly, taking a seat across the table from the frazzled German. He slyly slide a mug of coffee towards the blonde. "Drink." He prompted.

Ludwig barely glanced at the beverage, blue eyes locking on the polar bear once again. He heard Ivan sigh heavily, "Sit, Boris."

Boris swiveled his great head to look at the Russian before sliding to his rump with heavy, ponderous grace. The action made the glasses in the cabinets shake.

"Ivan." Ludwig said slowly, with deliberate calmness, "Where did you even-" he stopped himself abruptly.

He didn't even want to know. If Ivan wanted something, Ivan got it. Even, it appears, if that something was a nine hundred pound polar bear-did polar bears even get that big? Ludwig eyed the placid creature. Nine hundred pounds, give or take.

Boris blinked at him lazily.

"I don't care where you got it. You can't keep it."

Ivan pursed his lips and steepled his fingers, elbows laid on the table.

Ludwig narrowed his eyes suspiciously. He'd done enough business with Ivan to immediately recognize the gesture.

The Russian was going to try to negotiate.

Ludwig was having none of it.

"Ivan, it's a bear." The blonde stressed the obvious. "We don't know how to take care of a bear-It should be in the wild where it belongs. We can't even feed it correctly. It should be eating seals and penguins-"

"He." the Slav corrected primly, hand in chin now. His amethyst eyes smiled, amused. "Penguins live in the South Pole, golubchik. Polar bears are from the North."

The German flushed red and Ivan's grin widened. Ludwig knew penguins lived in the south pole. He did. He was just distracted by the nine hundred pound killing machine lounging like a housecat at his feet.

"And he eats kibble." the elder continued, nonplussed.

"Polar bear kibble." Ludwig repeated dryly, dubiously.

Ivan nodded, "Porcine meat meal, gluten corn meal, fish meal, dehulled soybean meal, porcine meat, ground corn..."

Ludwig had stopped listening. He was completely certain that a wild polar bear would encounter none of these ingredients in a natural diet. "If polar bears belong in the North pole then what is he doing here?" He finally asked, irate.

"I adopted him." Ivan said simply, as the lumbering bear padded to the Russian's chair, thrusting its snout into the man's hand-likely looking for treats (or kibble). "You hurt his poor nose when you slammed the door in his face." Ivan pouted, patting the poor monstrosity on the head as if it were a dog and not in fact a monster. "That wasn't very nice you know." He chided smugly.

"Ivan." Came Ludwig's exasperated plea, "He's a wild animal-We can't keep him. He's dangerous and I'm fairly certain keeping him would be illegal."

"What the authorities don't know won't hurt them."

"Ivan."

"Ludwig." Ivan matched his tone, though his expression was more amused than the German's frustrated one.

"We're keeping him, and that's that."

There are very few things that Ivan got his way with in their relationship.

This was one of them.

And that was that.

* * *

This one was a gift for a friend (THE friend, actually). It's a silly ficlit halfassedly based on an RP.

Polar Bear kibble is a thing and the ingredients listed in the fic are found in actual polar bear food (confirmed by my professor who seems to know everything-but she worked at the Cincinnati zoo for some time so I'm sure she knows what she's talking about.)

Also, porcine pertains to pig, in case any of you were wondering. I didn't know before this.

To said friend: Happy late birthday, TheGeniusLackingInMotivation

Hopefully I'll come up with something better next year. No promises.


End file.
